What's next on my list? Feast of the Seven Fishes

Unlike the typical Christmas review that I have, I did go off on a bit of a rant in this one, not about the movie, that 10/10, but about the holidays in general. So enjoy reading the last review of 2022! See you next year with a couple of lists and best of compilations.

There is more than a handful of beautiful Christmas stories out there, and in actuality, the best stories are usually the ones that do NOT want to show the magic of Christmas down our throats. I don't mind Hallmark movies, especially the ones that have real magic in them, I mean, life is f*cking hard enough as it is. But most of the time, the best movies I find, just take place around the holidays, they are not necessarily about Christmas, and honestly, this is the one holiday that, around the world, is impossible to ignore. It just is impossible to put aside, let it be because of endless number of Christmas movies that Hollywood shovels into our faces. But more about this in the next paragraphs, let us look at:

Feast of the Seven Fishes (2019)

Christmas Eve is coming, and the Oliverio family is preparing for the feast of the seven fishes, an Italian tradition, that even Italian Americans hold. Our protagonist, Tony Jr. (Skyler Gisondo) is struggling to decide what to do with his future, as he is dealing with an old girlfriend, a possible new partner, his families ideas on his life and his own turmoil over leaving or staying. 

I have a tradition of looking up what my favorite actors are up to, and clicking left and right on imdb, I ended up finding this movie, which did not really make it onto the typical Christmas movie lists, but I can tell you that it should definitely be up there. This year, more than others, I just had this blatantly clear realization that there is no escape from Christmas, it is EVERYWHERE. One my favorite movies, Mixed Nuts (1994), has a quote that I think I really only understood this year, as it says that during the holiday season we see our lives through a magnifying glass. And it really doesn't matter if you do not celebrate Christmas, because you know someone who does, you know Last Christmas by heart, every store BLASTS into your face decorations and mistletoe and well Hollywood Christmas movies are never ending. And, holiday here or not, you cannot deny that it is the end of the year: we look back or just wish for the next one to come and this stupid year to be over. 

So, coming back to the movie, as you cannot escape the holidays, it is my opinion to try to embrace it. I do not care much for Christmas this year, I have zero cheer, and I have been trying to force it on myself, because as said, it is unavoidable. And I found this movie by accident and it was a lifesaver.

I want to recommend to everyone to watch it, because the way it portrays characters from a small town might look stereotypical, but the pacing, the dialogue, the idea behind it, the struggles of immigration, the prejudice of families towards people they deem "different" is very spot on. The colors of the film perfectly bring to life the 80s. It is simple yet complex, and when researching Italian American communities and their representation, which is literally the topic of my dissertation, I was blown away by this movie, as it fits perfectly into the ones that were made and do portray the It-American experience in the USA in the 80s.

This Christmas season watch something original. Check out this movie instead of a boring Hallmark one, you will not be disappointed! 

Happy holidays to all who celebrate it, and wishing you all a simple festive season, especially to those who cannot escape the trickling lights and mistletoe showed into their faces. 

What's Next On My List? Cha Cha Real Smooth

After having had a long tangent on my writer's block (which you can read here!), I am somewhat ready to write a few reviews, not just because I enjoy sharing my thoughts, but because I want to turn writing into something that, without being cringy, sparks joy. 

Not to mention, that I also feel that there are some films out there that I really wish to write about, because I want to make sure that as many people as possible give them a chance. And one of those was: 

Cha Cha Real Smooth (2022)

Let me get the summary from imdb: "A young man who works as a Bar Mitzvah party host strikes up a friendship with a mother and her autistic daughter." 

This summer I promised a review of this movie, and I don't want to push it off any longer. First of all, it was exceptionally good. Independent movies have not been on my radar as of late, mostly because very few got made due to covid, but also because of the ones that were bought by publishers, none interested me. In my view, there are two kinds of indie movies: one with an unbearable amount of pain, and those that just show us one chapter of someone's life. They have become repetitive over the years, and I could not bear the pain sometimes, or just the overall emotions the story wished to awake in me; while sometimes these chapters were just... blend. But this movie was anything but blend. Of all the things that I am going to praise, the first has to be the script:

"- What's it like being depressed?

- I don't know. It feels like... like you remember what better feels like and then you do things that you think will make you feel better but they don't. They make it worse. And the things that I'm really scared of doing are probably the things that will help me the most, but I just can't do them."

I loved this movie. It was just excellent. It got me hooked from the first scene. The colors, the music, the cast... it was directed and written by Cooper Raiff, who also plays the main character. This young man has an exceptional career ahead of himself. I have never cared much for Dakota Johnsson, but I had my eyes glued on her every single time she was on screen. Not only did she make this character hers, but the director knew exactly how to work with her. (So in retrospect I am blaming the directors she worked with, as she clearly has talent!) This is and will be my favorite movie with her. Her character Domino, had wonderful dialogues with the main character, Andrew, left me with my mouth open. The friend who suggested we watch it, actually found the movie through a quote from it. And that really hit for me, honestly, I have been collecting quotes from movies for as long as I can remember, and I should just start watching movies based on the quotes I find... That would be a great way to scan for movies.

"I feel like there are things that you just, like, don't say to me. And I can't tell whether you're, like, holding back a desire to be close or a desire to be distant."

I do have one criticism, which is something that is an old issue, something that always bothered me in romantic comedies from the 80s and 90s. Domino is about to get married, but she did not have a lot of chemistry with that man, more so with the main character. Obviously, the viewers are rooting for the main characters, but as we know the ending of the movie, it would have made much more sense to cast someone with whom she also has chemistry. And here is where my issue comes in, in all those romantic comedies the main characters were dating the "wrong" person before ending up with the "right" one. But it just made me mad, because why are you with that person?! Of course, a lot of times people are with the wrong person, so it makes sense that "life imitates art", but the fact that they have no chemistry with those people, does not make sense... because you need something that keeps you connected, something that stops us from breaking up with them, something that keeps telling us that we should stay. In this movie, at least, even if I felt that Domino and her fiancée were not the best of couples, the way in which he cared about her and her daughter, simply showcased how he was a great guy. The reasons why she was with him were clear and their wedding scene was very beautiful. I do wish that there would have been more chemistry there, especially because Dakota Johnson had chemistry with anything and everything in this movie... 

Before finishing, I also have to praise the child actors in this movie: I have seen far too many unrealistic depictions of kids behaving like 40 year olds when they are teenagers and it has been incredibly upsetting... but what makes this story even more compelling is its simplicity in portrayal of the young characters. Everyone acts their age, everyone behaves accordingly despite deep emotional moments: Andrew babysits Lola (Vanessa Burghardt), who is autistic, and the way she interacts with people also teaches the audience on how to act if you know someone with this kind of condition. And next to Andrew's little brother, David (Evan Assante), you could tell the social issues she has, but it is not something to make her stand out, but something that actually makes her like every other teenager who is discovering themselves and their feelings. And David and Andrew's interactions were incredibly wholesome. Andrew keeps giving help to David, but it is never misogynistic, or weird, or outdated. It is just healthy brotherly advice. 

But, if the only thing I can complain about is probably a deliberate choice to highlight the connection between the two main characters, then you can be sure that this is an exceptionally good movie. It really hit when I watched it, and have been recommending it to people who appreciate good independent movies. I can see myself rewatching this film as I think it will hold a different meaning to me at different stages of my life. It is incredible how the best of films can sometimes just fall into our laps, literally out of nowhere, or due to a weird strain of circumstances. But we need to be grateful, and I am definitely grateful for this film! I look forward to more films from this young director, I hope he wins every award available with this movie, and there will be more beautiful stories told through his lenses.

Until the next item on my list!

What's Next On My List? The Death and Life of Bobby Z

As a tradition, each year in memory of Paul Walker, I review a movie that he starred in as long as I run out. I miss him terribly still... he was truly one of my favorites. This is for you, happy birthday!

The Death and Life of Bobby Z (2007)

Tim Kearney (Paul Walker) is freed from prison for an exchange, where he has to impersonate a drug dealer by the name of Bobby Z. Having been a marine, Tim can handle himself, but people want both him and Bobby dead, and he has to find a way to get away from both. 

This film was not well received, but honestly, I had great fun watching it. Paul Walker is someone who was type cast in his life. Usually some kind of cop or undercover cop, or FBI agent, and so on, you know what I mean. Last year I talked about Meet the Deedles (1988), which was a very silly family movie, but he did a great job. Here, he is a dumbass who loses his temper quite often, and to get his life in order he enrolled in the marines. However, when life throws him a bone, he takes the opportunity. I liked that when there were no eyes on him, and he wasn't supposed to be a well calculated drug dealer, as Bobby Z, but his real self, Tim, came out, he was just a goofy guy. And Walker did a great job. More than anything, he was horrible at playing Bobby, and I liked that too, because why would a random marine be a trained actor? There were a lot of things that had to go right for him to get away with this impersonation, and most things actually go terribly wrong. 

This was definitely not the best movie I have ever seen, but for some reason, I cannot help but feel like it was not meant to be anything more than what we saw. It was great fight scene, and famous people acting together excellently. Olivia Wilde and Walker had wonderful chemistry. Wilde is slowly becoming one of the most prominent figures in Hollywood, and she is not only an outstanding actress, but a wonderful director. It is fun to see her in a more simple role and at the beginnings of her stardom. And yet, she really stood out in this cast of A-listers are well. Laurence Fishburne played an asshole, but he did a great job at it, and really, have you ever seen Fishburne be not good at his job? And the cast also includes Joaquim de Almeida, as a kind of antagonist, but really, deciding who is good or bad in this movie is quite hard. That said, de Almeida is fantastic: I adore this guy. Any role he does, any character he portrays, it keeps leaving me with wanting more. 

This is a straightforward action movie with some real A-listers. It is just a 90 minute run with great twists, in my humble opinion. Honestly, of all the movies I have left to see from Walker, this was a really pleasant surprise, and I am glad I waited to see it. I definitely recommend it.

I still have a couple of movies left with Walker, and as long as I do, I will make these yearly posts. I really miss this guy. Talking about him reminds me of all the incredibly talented people we have lost during the years, and how the world is slowly but surely going to shit and just... It breaks my heart over and over. But we are blessed again to still have the movies and songs and books they left behind.

Until the next item on my list!

To Write or Not to Write

It has been a while since I wrote a review. Any who read my blog know, that I stopped writing reviews weekly, because it was becoming too much. And I have also stopped writing for public consumption, because I was working on private projects. I needed this break. I have been using this blog the wrong way. As I forced myself to write I did not actually manage to do the writing that mattered to me. And yet, the main reason I wanted my blog to begin with was to make sure I keep practicing. 

And as I dealt with this dilemma, THE WHOLE WORLD WENT TO SHIT.

I keep passing most of the day feeling the need to yell "What the actual f*ck?!". It is one thing that my country is slowly but surely falling apart, another is just... everything else.

I live in a fairly OK part of the world, and I keep feeling like I am not allowed to be upset, I keep calling my own issues "first world problems", because there is always something worse happening out there so can I even be upset? Are we allowed to be upset? And if we are not, then why all these sad feelings? And how are we supposed to deal with these feelings, if we cannot even recognize them as legitimate feelings? 

This is just one of the many issues I have been dealing with.

I feel like the past two years will be written out in some very detailed psychological book about the various forms of depression that developed during quarantine and afterwards. Oh yes and the war, how could one forget when the neighboring country is literally on fire because of one asshole who needs to prove the size of his dick. Let us also not forget that climate change prevention is still ... lacking at best. I don't even think prevention is still possible, only slowing it down, maybe, but how, when the people in charge think that the planet heating up is a question of "beliefs". 

That's it, that is my biggest first world problem, all the men who are in charge are idiots. And I don't mean my country alone, I am able to read and watch the news, I can see radicals coming to power in countries, and the way we ignore real issues truly breaks my heart. The way the media works... we just learned nothing from covid, did we? Distances don't exist anymore, borders are just geographical, not political, and the definition of 'first' or 'third world' countries is utterly outdated. 

People are dying for nothing. Nothing.

... not to write then?

What is the fucking point? This too is another first world problem, isn't it? I can suffer from my little writer's block, I am allowed that. I have the luxury. Not all do and in fact, the never-ending feeling of helplessness is another one of the anxieties that blocks me from actually writing. 

And it's not like I have nothing to write... I am currently finishing my doctorate in American studies, focusing on Italian American representation in popular culture. For me to finish my degree is to write an around 200 page dissertation. I also had to write publications, which I have. But in a sit-down with my advisor she told me about a study that concluded that academic publications have on average 3 to 5 readers. So as the planet is slowly dying, and I am supposed to find the will to write 200 pages for a total of 3 people reading it?  It all seems... pointless. You get through years of studying, and unless you write 200 pages, you will never get a degree. I don't understand how this can still make sense in Hungary, when so many countries have systems that have stopped this completely useless practice of writing for the sake of writing for the sake of writing. One can very easily prove if they actually spent time on their research or if the half-assed their time in the doctorate program. 

... to write. 

That is the answer, as deep down in my core I love writing. But I never in my life imagined that I would find myself with this block in such a way, that my generation is going through the ---fifth or sixth--- once in a lifetime crisis. And that a 200 page research paper that only 3 people will read feels like the least important thing that I could possibly be doing. This blog, feels like the least important thing that I could be doing. It took me a whole month to write this one page . The struggle is truly real.

And as I am writing this I have to write down the hardest thing for me to admit: that I am not special. I never had issues with writing before, I have always met deadlines, I had this strong belief that I am at least good at this one thing. But the way my brain works... I have been intentionally sabotaging myself. And I promise that I am working on it. I need to break free of the chains in my head that come from wanting to be something more than I am. Because I should be, above everything else, happy with what I have. Happy with who I am. Happy to be alive.

That is the question. 

Thank you reader, for getting this far with me. I don't know when I am going to write next, the 'not to write'  is very strong with me at the moment. But this overwhelming anxiety is something that needs to be dealt with, sooner or later. I need to finish my dissertation. I need to keep writing reviews. I am a teacher, I share my knowledge, I open up debates about important topics, about culture, about life... And above everything else, no matter the fact that it takes a long time to type all of these out, I love writing. 

Stay tuned, for hopefully more, or if nothing else, wish me luck in finishing my stupid dissertation and coming to terms with not being special, just normal and embracing it. 

Blogger: Meeting New People, and What the Pandemic Took from Me

A couple of months ago a friend of mine asked "who even likes dating?" and I told them that I do. It's been a while since I've been on a date, of course, and looking for a partner can be quite difficult, trust me, I am so used to rejection myself from every faucet of life that I am planning to have it tattooed on my face. But there is something magical when you meet a new person. A lot of times it is hard to draw a clear line between the feelings that we connect to objects, but keep in mind what a new person brings with them:

• new music;
• new TV shows;
• new youtube pages;
• new books;
• new movies
  u new experiences.

I remember when back in 2014 a crush of mine suggested the album Helios from The Fray. That is one of those few albums where I still love every single track on it. Did it remind me of them for a looooooong time? Of course. But music lives on, trust me, it does. Two more people brought Stephen King and Margaret Atwood into my life. The starter pack, in both cases, were books that were over 600 pages. But boy I am grateful for the recommendation, King's 11/22/63 is my favorite book to date, and it inspired my bachelor's thesis; while Atwood's The Blind Assassin is a straight up masterpiece. Unfortunately, I also try to recommend these to other people, they don't seem to be as impressed with my taste, as I am with everyone else's, but I don't mind. I was enriched by the experience. It was yet another crush who helped me discover The Proclaimers, Faithless, and rediscovered my love for Placebo. (More so the recognition that they are my favorite band.) I will also never forget that April in 2017 when it was snowing here in Hungary and I was closed in a dorm room with Yuri On Ice! because I was told that it is a "must see!". I had immense fun with that as well, and it would help me later on have very good conversations about anime with friends I made along the line. I am simply saying that new impulses are good in a person's life. Especially someone like me, who gets bored with everything very fast. 

The opposites attract thing is bullshit, however, it is a great place to start if you want to be kicked out of your comfort zone. Even if you are an adrenaline junkie who cannot sit still, seemingly displaying ease at breaking out of the comfort, really, that is your comfort. Learning to slow down and sit down and listen is a hard task. And if you are not a narcissistic selfish little hermit, you too will be influenced by others. "I'll go to the moon and back for you." We WILL do a lot of things for others. Like read 600 page long books. And to dissect the idea of hating to date... I think it also depends on your perspective. Very rarely did I go about it by pressuring myself to make sure I get a second date - which I am sure is the primary feeling for most - it was always about getting to know the other person. 

Above all we are not just meeting people to date them, of course. Despite my idea for this entry having stemmed from that beautiful encounter among humans, I gotta say, I just like meeting new people. Here is where it comes to the experiences: two years ago I had the pleasure to attend a conference in Germany and it was probably my favorite trip in the 30 years I have been alive. It was like a big school trip without teachers - and isn't that the dream? There is something giddy and childish like about the joy of sharing things about yourself with your peers. It can be scary, of course, what if they don't like my Star Wars Lego collection? (Although, why be friends with people who don't like that?!) But as you get older you don't care what other people think and it is so much fun to find those who do! Those people will become your friends for life. Going back to the trip, I met a great group of people, and truly by chance: one goes to several conferences when seeking a career in the academics, and only a handful are memorable. This one exceeded every expectation and there was something magical about opening up to kind and wholesome strangers. And that can only happen if we take chances. And we go to conferences IN PERSON. Which to me, the least spontaneous person on this planet, is as hard as you can imagine. And having a coffee, a beer, or stopping to say hello to any of these people, or the ones I met during my 10 years at university was the highlight of every single day.

Then the pandemic hit... 

@kysscalamity

Primarily I caught myself reaching out to people from my past. Which was fun, because even if our roads went to different places, I was happy to know that many escaped this horrible disease. I find that as long as you accept that not everyone will answer you, I think that trying to reach out is one of the best things one can do. The biggest majority of people were more than happy to hear from me, and so many just wish to reach out and never do. 

• Take the time. 
• Write that message or pick up that phone. 
• Ask that question. 
• Include something about you. 
• Be honest. 

You never know what will come out of it! But there are reasons why certain paths diverted, and that is OK. It is hard when you crave to talk to people and they do not wish to talk to you. I think everyone knows that feeling, all too well. And that is why, perhaps it is so hard to reach out. But do not let that stop you, because I promise, you will be surprised. However, this only fits people you already knew, I am lucky, many like a phone call, a video call, but understandingly a lot of people cannot sit in front of their computer anymore after having been forced to do so by the pandemic, and we need to meet them in the middle. And it is one thing when you already knew them, but... 

... meeting new people online is hard for people who crave social interactions.

Let there be no mistake, this is not specifically a romantic issue, I think that making new friends is also incredibly difficult. First of all, in the new world, if you are not on the "apps", you have no chance of meeting people. It is also my experience that photo based apps are not the best, I have several friends who love me the way I am, but my picture does not get any traction. And the most difficult thing is that I cannot yet imagine a world where talking to people at a party would feel normal. Are you vaccinated? Are you a flat earther? Why do you think science is a question of belief? Who did you vote for... I know these don't feel like important questions, but they are. After the pandemic I feel like the world IS divided, and I tried to be as tolerant as possible, but I am also older, and I do not have energy for people that I am continuously going to have arguments with about issues I just know I won't change my mind on. But who knows, I might, again, new experiences. I think we need to normalize changing our minds based on new information. And there are so many little things that did not seem important before. Not to mention that having been closed off for so long I am unsure anymore how socializing actually works... so testing this on complete strangers online might not be the best way to go...

I will join the group of many enforcing that online communication is not the same.* To give you the easiest of examples, I love to compliment people. It is such a simple gesture and it can make someone's day.  It is very hard, however, to not come off creepy in writing... if that made you laugh, I'm glad, but you also understand my meaning. And I have run into this issue several times... But instead of finishing this entry off on a sad note, I want to conclude on a different one. We are all either introverted or extroverted, and yes, many of us crave social interactions, but SO MANY were finally allowed to go back to a place of comfort and work from there, interact from there, grow from there. Yes, it is scary sometimes out there, even someone as open and extroverted as me has had issues with opening up again and feeling comfortable outside (numbers are still high in Hungary, I feel more comfortable with my mask**), but it calms me to know that so many people are NOT forced to be in a social environment if that has been something they forced on themselves because that is how we built up our society. 

Yes, the pandemic took a lot from me, I am trying the apps, I want to get to know more people, I spent half a year abroad, I am not shy, small talk, big talk, I am here for it all. But not everyone is so open and we as a society need to start normalizing that quiet people DO NOT need to be loud. One day I will be able to go to party, a club, a conference and make new friends without the help of an online application, but for now that is not where I am, and I am lucky that these social situations are not forced on me until I am ready. Let us pass on the same courtesy to those who are finally thriving despite the changes brought forward by covid. 

I do have to add, that were it not for the advanced technology in internet, a lot of us would have gone insane. Keeping up a long distance relationship while barred from another with the borders being closed... where, it sounds silly now, with vaccines, and rapid testing, and home tests, but... it was hard. It ruined many relationships, and I witnessed that first hand. The older you get the harder break ups are. And that is something, that I do feel the pandemic took from me, and as a teacher I already struggle with a lot and just learning again and again and again to cope with people who want a new way of life and those who crave to go back to the "old ways", the pre-pandemic period is... is f*cking exhausting. Meeting new people has been my way of moving on from heartache, with new music, new films, new books, new experiences, but I have found myself riddled with anxiety and it has been just f*cking hard. 

Let us normalize talking about how hard this period has been. 

So, with that in mind, I am not sure what kind of depression is going to be associated with this period in our lives, just know that you are not alone, whether you suffered of gained something in these two years - and hopefully it will end soon and only be two bad years out of many -, because I cannot handle one more "once in a lifetime" crisis... Enough! Enjoy the holiday and let us all be grateful we are here now!

. . . . .

*Disclaimer, it might seem that I am blaming online communication for everything, and I am really not. The internet is not the reason we cannot communicate properly, just people are not taking enough time to figure out what works for them. Just on one hand I can count 5 different people with whom I talk in 5 different ways: phone calls, hand written letters (yes), messenger, video chat or voice messages. You just need to take the time to find what works for you and meet the other half way. You might write, but make sure you listen to their voice messages. The internet is here to help, the problem is with us, trust me on that. 

** Masks: girl, if you feel comfortable, keep wearing that shit. Nobody cares if they think you are crazy, at least no weirdos will come up and talk to you. My experience is that for 30 years my face and nose hurt immensely during the winter time and it finally doesn't. I am not taking it off even if the pollution in the air went down to 0, this for me is not even about the pandemic anymore. And second, we have these "flu seasons", and we live in a society that values you working even if you are sick. If I can put on a paper mask to protect my students and still work, I am going to do it from now on and teach it to my kids and students as well. There is a LOT we can learn from the past two years, let us not let it be in vain!