No Shame in Quitting What Isn’t for You - An Essay

I have spent my years teaching over 300 students by now, teaching Italian and English, preparing them for language exams, Matura exams, job interviews, everyday situations, traveling, private events, and so on. And it is such a shame that I cannot hug them, shake them, and tell them that everything is going to be okay. Because something that I’ve noticed with every single one of my students, from age 6 to 76, is that at one point or another they believe that they quit something and that people shouldn’t be “quitters,” and because of that, they think they are somehow less than. So let us examine for a moment this sense of “shame”.

I think society does not understand the difference between letting go of something and quitting. I understand that we want to push people not to quit, not to give up. Just because something is hard, you should still give it a try. I agree with that. I do believe that people might at times give up too easily. And here is where the third term comes in: Letting go, quitting, and giving up are three super-duper different things, and we keep mushing them together. Let me give you some very simple examples.

EDUCATION

I had a friend who started studying architecture, and it wasn’t for them. They left that university program, started a new bachelor course, finished that, got an MA, and even completed an extra course. But still, to this day, they bring up architecture as if it were a failure on their part that they never finished studying it. I understand that we come from different backgrounds. There might be pressure from parents, there might be expectations within a family, all kinds of things can come into play. But at the same time, I can never understand listening to this person describe their feelings about “failing” one university program when afterward they got at least three other degrees. It hurts my brain to think that this person thinks less of themselves for not finishing something. And I’ll tell you why I think this is an especially stupid example.

Having taught so many 18-year-olds who are about to finish high school/secondary school and head into higher education, I can tell you that they have absolutely no fucking clue what higher education looks like. I can also tell you that perhaps they don’t even know how to study properly because in Hungary, unfortunately, we have focused too much on preparing students for tests and exam situations as opposed to actually teaching them how to sit down and study. They try to shove as much information as they can into their short-term memory instead of their long-term memory. Some of them are lucky, of course. There are always exceptions to everything we talk about. They might have met the greatest teacher of their life, and that teacher may have helped them place some information into the right category, into the long-term boxes.

People decide to study things based on the experiences they had in high school, and many people decide to study something completely different because they hated everything they studied in high school. There can be variations. There are spectrums. There are endless possibilities. However, I can tell you from every single discussion I’ve had with my students that they just have no clue what to expect from university, and there is so much pressure put on people to immediately find the right thing.

Coming back to my friend who studied architecture, how were they supposed to know if it was going to be a good fit? They might have been told, well, you have a bit of math here, a bit of statistics there, a bit of physics there, but at the end of the day they didn’t know what kind of teachers they were going to meet, what the schedule was going to look like, what it’s like to have a full semester, what it’s like to have an exam period, what seminars are like, what lectures are like. It’s a completely different world.

And then we expect students, especially European students, because at least in America there is a long history of people leaving home and going to other states to study at university, community college, and all kinds of places. There is an expectation that you are supposed to leave the nest, and you do. But not in Hungary. A lot of people study from home. Many of them try to come to the big city unless they are already from Budapest. Otherwise, we also have big university towns that are very typical of Hungary. And when certain English-speaking universities left the country, we also lost some of the influx of international students, which is a very important thing for students who are trying to experience the world through higher education, to have classmates from different backgrounds, different skin colors, different cultures, different religions.

And you have no idea what that’s like when you’re living in the small bubble that is high school. So here you are, starting higher education. You have absolutely no idea what to expect. And in the EU, you can do that in several languages. You can even do it in another country. You must choose the right major immediately, even without knowing what higher education is actually like... why do we put them under even more pressure?

I always tell my students, just get in. Who the fuck cares if you don’t finish your first bachelor’s degree? Just get in, understand how university works, and then do what works for you. And if we could, for five minutes as a society, stop thinking of these students as failures for leaving something that does not work for them, that would be fantastic.

JOBS

But let’s not just talk about schooling because obviously there is a lot of pressure there. Let’s also talk about jobs. I have had so many students who clearly handled quitting as if it were some kind of personal failure. In most cases, the reasons were very simple. Let’s list a couple.

First of all, they might simply not like what they are doing. It’s too monotonous. It’s too much of the same thing every single day in a workplace where they were promised change, improvement, and a different perspective on life. And at the end of the day, they are still doing the same thing. They are not improving, and it bothers them.

I think a lot of people would love a job where they are completely left alone. They do their nine-to-five and then go home. But others want to improve. They want to do more. They want to see the fruits of their labor. And I find it incredibly important that people also think it’s fun and fulfilling to go to work.

Second, social relationships. So many people I’ve talked to have tried to come to terms with a stupid manager, a difficult coworker, or a higher-up who has no empathy and does not understand how the world works. Somebody who thinks your time matters less. Somebody who wants you to keep pushing forever.

I remember one specific time talking to my cousin, who was working with an insufferable woman. Now, I don’t want to make this about gender here. I have met plenty of narcissistic men who pretend to be grown-ups when emotionally they are still 16-year-old boys whose feelings got hurt and who still need the world to tell them they’re doing a good job. I have met fantastic men that I work with, and I have met horrible women. I have met horrible men and fantastic women as well. This is not about gender. This is about personality.

And I need everyone to understand the difference here because somebody that I might find narcissistic could be a perfectly good coworker for someone else. They found a way to work together. They understand each other’s tone. They find each other agreeable. They might never encounter the same issues that I would with someone who has narcissistic tendencies. In the same way, somebody might have a fantastic time working with the woman that my cousin finds insufferable.

This is perfectly normal. There is no universal agreement that somebody is “bad” and somebody else is “good.” We all have completely different personalities. There is a huge array of personalities that we encounter in life, and we are not going to mesh with all of them.

Coming back to the over 300 students I told you about, about 10% of them and I did not mesh. I’m very lucky that it’s only 10%, but I also think that’s a normal amount. Overall, people are agreeable, understanding, and open to others. 

I am not saying that this insufferable woman was going to be a bad boss for everyone, but I vividly remember my cousin feeling like they had failed because they couldn’t work well with this woman. And it’s so incredibly stupid. Who cares? Why do you have to, after everything you tried, still feel bad about not finding the right tone with someone? If it didn’t work out, it didn’t work out, and that’s okay.

We always put ourselves into these difficult situations because we constantly weigh our options. On the one hand, I love my job, but I hate this person. On the other hand, if this changes, then maybe that changes too. There are incredible amounts of things to take into consideration, obviously. But I always say that if the bad outweighs the good, then it’s time to move on.

And I am just so sorry that when people come to this conclusion, they think of it as quitting. I really don’t think it is. I think that is letting go. That is the moment where you realize, okay, I have done everything I could. I’m going to let this one go. It’s not my responsibility to fix something that feels unfixable. And too many people are sitting in the same shit, completely unable to move on to the next thing.

RELATIONSHIPS

A couple of weeks ago, I wrote a big essay about a TV show where I talked about relationships and how people have a hard time quitting them as well, as in saying no to something that doesn’t work for them. We can put this into the work category too, but when it comes to friendships and relationships, people are always too slow to actually reach the moment where they should let go.

And again, I think it comes from the stigmatization of believing that if you stand up for yourself, if you say what you want, then you are selfish, egocentric, egomaniacal. You shouldn’t think about yourself. You should put everyone else’s needs before your own, and so on and so forth.

I understand that it can be incredibly difficult to think positively about yourself when the whole world tells you that every time you put yourself first, you are being egocentric. It’s so stupid. I can tell you that this is not the case.

There is a huge difference between somebody being harmful to society because they cannot see beyond themselves — and yes, I have seen such people in my life — and somebody saying that if they are emotionally dying in a situation, if the spark disappears from their eyes, if they are tired all the time, numb all the time, uncared for even by themselves, then maybe they shouldn’t stay in that position just because society tells them that otherwise they are “quitters.”

Who the fuck cares?

And I had to be over 35 to realize that it does not matter what other people think. Of course we are all creatures of habit. We all want validation from others. That’s why I can understand a narcissistic boss who needs their head patted every single week and needs to be told they’re doing a good job. I understand where it comes from. We all have these internal monologues and voices, and we are all susceptible to society telling us whether we are doing a good job or not.

But I’m here to tell you that you really need to turn that off.

Turn it off.

Saying, “No, this isn’t for me,” is not egocentric. Saying, “No, I am no longer happy in this situation,” is not selfish. I understand that some people’s feelings might get hurt or that some people might be inconvenienced. And honestly, most of the time, it’s just inconvenience that we are trying to avoid causing others. But inconvenience is fixable. Inconvenience does not last a lifetime. Inconvenience is exactly what it sounds like: inconvenient.

But you should not let yourself die inside, become numb, or push yourself into a depressive state because of a degree you didn’t finish, a relationship that doesn’t work, or a work environment that isn’t suited for you.

This is something that I could go on and on about. I just feel that people do not take the time to have proper conversations with others. When someone decides to quit something, let it go, or move on from it, ask them why. Instead of immediately feeling the need to judge them for that decision, sit down and ask, “Hey, why are you doing that? What’s happening? Why do you feel the need to change jobs? Why do you feel the need to quit university? Why do you feel the need to break up with someone?” There are so many discussions that could be incredibly easy to have and incredibly useful in understanding why another person has decided that something is no longer for them. But nobody seems willing to have those conversations.

I don’t know why, as a society, we are so fucking scared of conversation. I just don’t understand it. Everybody talks about how wonderful it is to sit down with a glass of wine and have a discussion with a friend. But then, when it comes to honestly telling someone why they feel the need to move on from a situation, why they feel that a relationship is no longer serving them — any type of relationship — suddenly nobody wants to stand up and say, “Hey, this isn’t for me.” I do not understand it, and I probably never will. And that is one of the reasons I am writing this entry as well.

Especially because — and this is something I learned in therapy while searching for answers — life puts red flags and stop signs in front of you when something is not right for you. You can easily tell yourself, “Oh no, I just have to overcome this.” That is such an easy thing to do, and it’s also an enormous amount of pressure to put yourself on just to keep going. But once you’ve spent years trying to work through those stop signs, trying to ignore those red flags, and they just keep coming, then why can’t you stop and think, “Huh, maybe I’m on the wrong road. Maybe I’m the one driving in the wrong direction. Maybe I took the wrong path.”

But no. The moment you stop, you are immediately labeled a quitter. And it is so incredibly harmful to people who are trying to express how unhappy they are in a situation for society to instantly label them as weak or incapable of handling challenges. 

We do this in relationships. 

We do this at work. 

We do this in families.

What if I recognize that a family member is fucking toxic? Why am I the one who has to forgive and forget? Why can’t I just let go? I am so tired of people being called selfish for standing up for themselves. And it is the same everywhere in the world.

QUITTING VS TRYING

To give you another example, I had a friend who started several schools after high school. They wanted to become a doctor, but it didn’t work out. They tried another field in medicine, and that didn’t work out either. Then they restarted with math and physics, took private lessons, and so on. They changed jobs in between and had periods of unemployment.

And I can tell that they look back on this period with shame. They look at their CV and think it is shameful to admit that they started school and didn’t finish them because society would label them a quitter. And it hurts my brain so much because why can’t we instead be proud of this person for continuing to try? He keeps fucking trying new things. He keeps applying to new schools. He keeps taking private lessons. He keeps trying to find the thing that will work for him. He’s not sitting there saying, “Oh well, it didn’t work out,” and then never trying again.

They keep fucking trying all the fucking time.

And instead, we judge them. We look at their CV and ask, “Why did you quit this? Why did you quit that?” And I understand that, as an employer, you want somebody reliable. But this is exactly where conversation comes in. This is why interviews exist. “Why did you leave those places?”

Because it didn’t feel right. Because it wasn’t for me. Because after experiencing higher education firsthand, I realized that this subject, this system, this path simply wasn’t right for me.

That is a perfectly normal thing.

And that is why we have job interviews. So instead of feeling ashamed of a CV that does not contain all the “right” things in the “right” places, why don’t we talk about the fact that the world is enormous and full of possibilities, and maybe we should congratulate the people who keep trying because trying is the hardest thing to do?

After so many failures and so many people telling you that you are bad, that you are a quitter, that you are supposed to hold one job for the rest of your life, why don’t we reward the people who realize something isn’t for them and still continue trying instead of giving up altogether? Because honestly, society itself is often horribly constructed, but that’s a discussion for another day.

LEAVING MY PHD

So, about eight years ago, I started my PhD studies, and at the time I told my dad, “I’m going to start and see what it’s like.” And he had a hard time understanding that, asking me “Why start if you’re not going to finish?” And it really struck me how he was driven by the notion that if you start something, you have to finish it.

But his generation is very different, and that’s why I think it’s unfair to expect a high school student to immediately know the right path for themselves. It’s no longer just a choice between becoming a doctor, a shepherd, or a lawyer. There are endless possibilities. And universities also push students into highly specialized branches and minors that might not even exist later as master’s programs. So here we are, blindly expecting people to create five-to-seven-year plans and follow them no matter what.

So I looked at my dad, and to his question as to why start start in the first place replied, “Because I have no clue what a doctorate program is actually like.”

I knew what higher education was like. I knew what it was like to get a BA and an MA. I knew what exams were like, and I was good at them. I was comfortable in those social situations.

But I did not know what a PhD was actually like.

And honestly, even today I’m not sure I fully know because halfway through my PhD came COVID, which completely changed deadlines, exam formats, and some of the requirements of the program. I don’t know what my experience would be like if I started over today.

And we had this long conversation about how I needed to try it in order to know whether it fit me. By the end of the conversation, he completely understood what I was saying. I remember him telling me, “Oh, I can see you really thought this through.” And it was such a rewarding feeling. I think it was the first time I felt that my father saw an adult in me instead of a child just taking out toys from the cupboard, throwing them around and never actually putting them away.

And there I was, seven years later, deciding to stop.

I completed all the courses, all the publications, all the conferences, all the teaching, all the requirements in my PhD program at a Hungarian university. But I kept feeling socially inadequate. I kept feeling unhappy with the structure of the exams, the final defense, and the entire system.

I hated it.

And I was angry at it because I felt that it did not reflect the actual knowledge I had gained during those seven years. It did not reflect my research. I felt that nobody on my defense committee would genuinely give a single fuck about all the work I had put into it, and I simply did not want to force myself through that process.

And bear in mind reader, this is not the opponent or chair's fault, academics are famously overworked with administrative tasks that have nothing to do with furthering education, and have much more to do with legal liabilities. I do not blame my teachers for not getting super invested in my research, that was my job, but the system was not going to change for me. 

I was very proud of the work I did. I had a colleague read what I wrote, and we had a two-hour conversation about it where they pointed out all the flaws but also talked about the positive things I had included. I was able to share my research and my passion for it.

And after that conversation, I realized that I had already gotten what I wanted out of the experience.

I did not need to go through the bureaucratic nightmare of finding university professors to sit on a committee when many of them did not want to be there, did not care about my topic, and did not really care about my work. At best, even if they had read it, they probably would not have given me feedback that would meaningfully improve my writing.

Because that’s the thing — it can always be better.

That is exactly what I hate about the defense process. It’s always, “This is good, but…” And I understand that. My writing will never be perfect. Nothing ever is. But I never felt that these defense committees were genuinely interested in discussing the merit of my research.

And I find that especially painful because the entire application process for a PhD is built around explaining why your research matters, why it deserves funding, what value it adds to academia or society. But once you reach the defense stage, all of that disappears.

Nobody cares.

For seven years, I could not let go of the resentment I felt toward the defense process. So there I was. I did everything I could. I was a good student and I completed every requirement.

And I’m happy that I had the experience.

And I’m not even saying that I will never finish it.

But I will never look at myself as a quitter for eventually coming to the conclusion that if something pushes me toward “no” for seven straight years, then maybe I was right to say no.

I can also tell you, that because there were some really rewarding parts of the PhD process I was many times blind to the red flags and the stop signs. 

And I need to add, that I was scared. Scared of the unknown. Quitting something you have done for years -- something that has become part of your personality --,  is incredibly hard. I could not imagine myself not teaching in higher education... until I did. Circumstance brought me to try myself out and despite everything I found a new path. 

So, at the end of the this entry all I can do is paraphrase the many insightful quotes that keep popping up on my feeds, emphasizing that being stuck in something that isn't for you is actually harmful in the long run. So, I do believe that there is no shame in quitting something that isn't for you.