It has been a while since I wrote a review. Any who read my blog know, that I stopped writing reviews weekly, because it was becoming too much. And I have also stopped writing for public consumption, because I was working on private projects. I needed this break. I have been using this blog the wrong way. As I forced myself to write I did not actually manage to do the writing that mattered to me. And yet, the main reason I wanted my blog to begin with was to make sure I keep practicing.
And as I dealt with this dilemma, THE WHOLE WORLD WENT TO SHIT.
I keep passing most of the day feeling the need to yell "What the actual f*ck?!". It is one thing that my country is slowly but surely falling apart, another is just... everything else.
I live in a fairly OK part of the world, and I keep feeling like I am not allowed to be upset, I keep calling my own issues "first world problems", because there is always something worse happening out there so can I even be upset? Are we allowed to be upset? And if we are not, then why all these sad feelings? And how are we supposed to deal with these feelings, if we cannot even recognize them as legitimate feelings?
This is just one of the many issues I have been dealing with.
I feel like the past two years will be written out in some very detailed psychological book about the various forms of depression that developed during quarantine and afterwards. Oh yes and the war, how could one forget when the neighboring country is literally on fire because of one asshole who needs to prove the size of his dick. Let us also not forget that climate change prevention is still ... lacking at best. I don't even think prevention is still possible, only slowing it down, maybe, but how, when the people in charge think that the planet heating up is a question of "beliefs".
That's it, that is my biggest first world problem, all the men who are in charge are idiots. And I don't mean my country alone, I am able to read and watch the news, I can see radicals coming to power in countries, and the way we ignore real issues truly breaks my heart. The way the media works... we just learned nothing from covid, did we? Distances don't exist anymore, borders are just geographical, not political, and the definition of 'first' or 'third world' countries is utterly outdated.
People are dying for nothing. Nothing.
... not to write then?
And it's not like I have nothing to write... I am currently finishing my doctorate in American studies, focusing on Italian American representation in popular culture. For me to finish my degree is to write an around 200 page dissertation. I also had to write publications, which I have. But in a sit-down with my advisor she told me about a study that concluded that academic publications have on average 3 to 5 readers. So as the planet is slowly dying, and I am supposed to find the will to write 200 pages for a total of 3 people reading it? It all seems... pointless. You get through years of studying, and unless you write 200 pages, you will never get a degree. I don't understand how this can still make sense in Hungary, when so many countries have systems that have stopped this completely useless practice of writing for the sake of writing for the sake of writing. One can very easily prove if they actually spent time on their research or if the half-assed their time in the doctorate program.
... to write.
That is the answer, as deep down in my core I love writing. But I never in my life imagined that I would find myself with this block in such a way, that my generation is going through the ---fifth or sixth--- once in a lifetime crisis. And that a 200 page research paper that only 3 people will read feels like the least important thing that I could possibly be doing. This blog, feels like the least important thing that I could be doing. It took me a whole month to write this one page . The struggle is truly real.
And as I am writing this I have to write down the hardest thing for me to admit: that I am not special. I never had issues with writing before, I have always met deadlines, I had this strong belief that I am at least good at this one thing. But the way my brain works... I have been intentionally sabotaging myself. And I promise that I am working on it. I need to break free of the chains in my head that come from wanting to be something more than I am. Because I should be, above everything else, happy with what I have. Happy with who I am. Happy to be alive.
That is the question.
Thank you reader, for getting this far with me. I don't know when I am going to write next, the 'not to write' is very strong with me at the moment. But this overwhelming anxiety is something that needs to be dealt with, sooner or later. I need to finish my dissertation. I need to keep writing reviews. I am a teacher, I share my knowledge, I open up debates about important topics, about culture, about life... And above everything else, no matter the fact that it takes a long time to type all of these out, I love writing.
Stay tuned, for hopefully more, or if nothing else, wish me luck in finishing my stupid dissertation and coming to terms with not being special, just normal and embracing it.
