Blogger: Meeting New People, and What the Pandemic Took from Me

A couple of months ago a friend of mine asked "who even likes dating?" and I told them that I do. It's been a while since I've been on a date, of course, and looking for a partner can be quite difficult, trust me, I am so used to rejection myself from every faucet of life that I am planning to have it tattooed on my face. But there is something magical when you meet a new person. A lot of times it is hard to draw a clear line between the feelings that we connect to objects, but keep in mind what a new person brings with them:

• new music;
• new TV shows;
• new youtube pages;
• new books;
• new movies
  u new experiences.

I remember when back in 2014 a crush of mine suggested the album Helios from The Fray. That is one of those few albums where I still love every single track on it. Did it remind me of them for a looooooong time? Of course. But music lives on, trust me, it does. Two more people brought Stephen King and Margaret Atwood into my life. The starter pack, in both cases, were books that were over 600 pages. But boy I am grateful for the recommendation, King's 11/22/63 is my favorite book to date, and it inspired my bachelor's thesis; while Atwood's The Blind Assassin is a straight up masterpiece. Unfortunately, I also try to recommend these to other people, they don't seem to be as impressed with my taste, as I am with everyone else's, but I don't mind. I was enriched by the experience. It was yet another crush who helped me discover The Proclaimers, Faithless, and rediscovered my love for Placebo. (More so the recognition that they are my favorite band.) I will also never forget that April in 2017 when it was snowing here in Hungary and I was closed in a dorm room with Yuri On Ice! because I was told that it is a "must see!". I had immense fun with that as well, and it would help me later on have very good conversations about anime with friends I made along the line. I am simply saying that new impulses are good in a person's life. Especially someone like me, who gets bored with everything very fast. 

The opposites attract thing is bullshit, however, it is a great place to start if you want to be kicked out of your comfort zone. Even if you are an adrenaline junkie who cannot sit still, seemingly displaying ease at breaking out of the comfort, really, that is your comfort. Learning to slow down and sit down and listen is a hard task. And if you are not a narcissistic selfish little hermit, you too will be influenced by others. "I'll go to the moon and back for you." We WILL do a lot of things for others. Like read 600 page long books. And to dissect the idea of hating to date... I think it also depends on your perspective. Very rarely did I go about it by pressuring myself to make sure I get a second date - which I am sure is the primary feeling for most - it was always about getting to know the other person. 

Above all we are not just meeting people to date them, of course. Despite my idea for this entry having stemmed from that beautiful encounter among humans, I gotta say, I just like meeting new people. Here is where it comes to the experiences: two years ago I had the pleasure to attend a conference in Germany and it was probably my favorite trip in the 30 years I have been alive. It was like a big school trip without teachers - and isn't that the dream? There is something giddy and childish like about the joy of sharing things about yourself with your peers. It can be scary, of course, what if they don't like my Star Wars Lego collection? (Although, why be friends with people who don't like that?!) But as you get older you don't care what other people think and it is so much fun to find those who do! Those people will become your friends for life. Going back to the trip, I met a great group of people, and truly by chance: one goes to several conferences when seeking a career in the academics, and only a handful are memorable. This one exceeded every expectation and there was something magical about opening up to kind and wholesome strangers. And that can only happen if we take chances. And we go to conferences IN PERSON. Which to me, the least spontaneous person on this planet, is as hard as you can imagine. And having a coffee, a beer, or stopping to say hello to any of these people, or the ones I met during my 10 years at university was the highlight of every single day.

Then the pandemic hit... 

@kysscalamity

Primarily I caught myself reaching out to people from my past. Which was fun, because even if our roads went to different places, I was happy to know that many escaped this horrible disease. I find that as long as you accept that not everyone will answer you, I think that trying to reach out is one of the best things one can do. The biggest majority of people were more than happy to hear from me, and so many just wish to reach out and never do. 

• Take the time. 
• Write that message or pick up that phone. 
• Ask that question. 
• Include something about you. 
• Be honest. 

You never know what will come out of it! But there are reasons why certain paths diverted, and that is OK. It is hard when you crave to talk to people and they do not wish to talk to you. I think everyone knows that feeling, all too well. And that is why, perhaps it is so hard to reach out. But do not let that stop you, because I promise, you will be surprised. However, this only fits people you already knew, I am lucky, many like a phone call, a video call, but understandingly a lot of people cannot sit in front of their computer anymore after having been forced to do so by the pandemic, and we need to meet them in the middle. And it is one thing when you already knew them, but... 

... meeting new people online is hard for people who crave social interactions.

Let there be no mistake, this is not specifically a romantic issue, I think that making new friends is also incredibly difficult. First of all, in the new world, if you are not on the "apps", you have no chance of meeting people. It is also my experience that photo based apps are not the best, I have several friends who love me the way I am, but my picture does not get any traction. And the most difficult thing is that I cannot yet imagine a world where talking to people at a party would feel normal. Are you vaccinated? Are you a flat earther? Why do you think science is a question of belief? Who did you vote for... I know these don't feel like important questions, but they are. After the pandemic I feel like the world IS divided, and I tried to be as tolerant as possible, but I am also older, and I do not have energy for people that I am continuously going to have arguments with about issues I just know I won't change my mind on. But who knows, I might, again, new experiences. I think we need to normalize changing our minds based on new information. And there are so many little things that did not seem important before. Not to mention that having been closed off for so long I am unsure anymore how socializing actually works... so testing this on complete strangers online might not be the best way to go...

I will join the group of many enforcing that online communication is not the same.* To give you the easiest of examples, I love to compliment people. It is such a simple gesture and it can make someone's day.  It is very hard, however, to not come off creepy in writing... if that made you laugh, I'm glad, but you also understand my meaning. And I have run into this issue several times... But instead of finishing this entry off on a sad note, I want to conclude on a different one. We are all either introverted or extroverted, and yes, many of us crave social interactions, but SO MANY were finally allowed to go back to a place of comfort and work from there, interact from there, grow from there. Yes, it is scary sometimes out there, even someone as open and extroverted as me has had issues with opening up again and feeling comfortable outside (numbers are still high in Hungary, I feel more comfortable with my mask**), but it calms me to know that so many people are NOT forced to be in a social environment if that has been something they forced on themselves because that is how we built up our society. 

Yes, the pandemic took a lot from me, I am trying the apps, I want to get to know more people, I spent half a year abroad, I am not shy, small talk, big talk, I am here for it all. But not everyone is so open and we as a society need to start normalizing that quiet people DO NOT need to be loud. One day I will be able to go to party, a club, a conference and make new friends without the help of an online application, but for now that is not where I am, and I am lucky that these social situations are not forced on me until I am ready. Let us pass on the same courtesy to those who are finally thriving despite the changes brought forward by covid. 

I do have to add, that were it not for the advanced technology in internet, a lot of us would have gone insane. Keeping up a long distance relationship while barred from another with the borders being closed... where, it sounds silly now, with vaccines, and rapid testing, and home tests, but... it was hard. It ruined many relationships, and I witnessed that first hand. The older you get the harder break ups are. And that is something, that I do feel the pandemic took from me, and as a teacher I already struggle with a lot and just learning again and again and again to cope with people who want a new way of life and those who crave to go back to the "old ways", the pre-pandemic period is... is f*cking exhausting. Meeting new people has been my way of moving on from heartache, with new music, new films, new books, new experiences, but I have found myself riddled with anxiety and it has been just f*cking hard. 

Let us normalize talking about how hard this period has been. 

So, with that in mind, I am not sure what kind of depression is going to be associated with this period in our lives, just know that you are not alone, whether you suffered of gained something in these two years - and hopefully it will end soon and only be two bad years out of many -, because I cannot handle one more "once in a lifetime" crisis... Enough! Enjoy the holiday and let us all be grateful we are here now!

. . . . .

*Disclaimer, it might seem that I am blaming online communication for everything, and I am really not. The internet is not the reason we cannot communicate properly, just people are not taking enough time to figure out what works for them. Just on one hand I can count 5 different people with whom I talk in 5 different ways: phone calls, hand written letters (yes), messenger, video chat or voice messages. You just need to take the time to find what works for you and meet the other half way. You might write, but make sure you listen to their voice messages. The internet is here to help, the problem is with us, trust me on that. 

** Masks: girl, if you feel comfortable, keep wearing that shit. Nobody cares if they think you are crazy, at least no weirdos will come up and talk to you. My experience is that for 30 years my face and nose hurt immensely during the winter time and it finally doesn't. I am not taking it off even if the pollution in the air went down to 0, this for me is not even about the pandemic anymore. And second, we have these "flu seasons", and we live in a society that values you working even if you are sick. If I can put on a paper mask to protect my students and still work, I am going to do it from now on and teach it to my kids and students as well. There is a LOT we can learn from the past two years, let us not let it be in vain!